Joe Badtoe

I was born young and I’m gradually getting older thanks to time, motion and luck. I have real arms but wooden hands. My body is a temple I have archaeologists looking for clues of old age and digging into my past.

I spent my childhood growing up with children. I was born in Scotland without my mother's knowledge and my father was absent at the conception. I have a half brother, just the legs, we go walking together. I went to an all girls school but was ejected from the premises by 9.01am on my first day because a naked boy in room full of nubile females is considered disruptive.

I grew up because I can’t grow sideways. I have so much to learn with so little desire. I like horses and often give them money via a third party (commonly known as a bookie) to chase other horses that they never catch. This is not an enterprise that offers any significant return of monetary gain. I have managed to get to this stage of life despite a number of physical impairments. In the past I have suffered incontinence and constipation at the same time which means I’ve never been when I wanted to go. I once rushed to the doctor because I woke up one day and I felt my testicles which appeared to be swollen to five times their normal size. I was diagnosed with shrunken hands syndrome.

I was a victim of a mugging despite telling my father I recognised his face. I tried to get into the Guinness book of records by canoeing on a watery crescent renowned for its putrid smell and thick sludge substance using only my hands as oars. I was up shit creek without a paddle.

If someone tells you the world will end today move to Australia and get yourself 24 more hours!